“They look like hell when they come out, you should know that", a friend told me when the date of my daughter´s birth were getting close. “Blue and terrible", he continued. Then he told me that the birth of his first child was the coolest thing he had ever experienced.
The whole process was very unreal to me, as if I wasn´t inside my own body, there and then. It felt like I was standing by the side and watching myself when I, extremely calm, did what I could to help Lisa. When Korvas´s head came out (blue and terrible) it looked a bit scary, and I got the feeling that it was unfair that I got to see her before Lisa did. Since she had been carrying her for nine long months, she should get the first peek. The whole time I was prepared for a tremendous feeling to hit me, but when she came out, it didn´t appear. Of course it felt special, but mostly weird and unreal. Incredible that she was the one who had been in there, hidden, the whole time. But I had expected a more overwhelming reaction.
The incredible feeling hit me hard the first time I held her. And when we got to go to a room of our own, I lay in bed with Korvas on my stomach and cried rivers. Then a period of two - three weeks followed, when I cried almost every time I held her. It still happens, but not as often.
The father´s feelings are in the shadow of the mother´s feelings. You get to hear very little about it. With some dads you almost get the impression that they´ve been on vacation for a week and then they´re back at work, as if nothing special has happened. To me this period was like a big haze. I wasn´t prepared for that. It was like a constant buzzing in my head, like a high. My senses were sharpened. I sensed smells, heard and saw everything much better than usual. I don´t know how to better describe it, than that I have never felt so much like an animal, as I did then. I regarded sounds, smells and visual impressions as pure threats to our survival. A little trace of that is still there now, but now there´s a large portion of rational thinking involved. Then, it was pure instinct.
I think many dads keep the experiences from the birth of their child to themselves, because they have been home crying for a week. And I´m sure one or two extra tears are rolling down their cheeks, as they are going back to work, because they have to leave the baby so soon. Or have to, it just turns out that way, an old habit that seems so hard to break. But it is not the father´s job to question whether there is an alternative way. Neither is it the father´s job to cry or to share the feelings of happiness he experiences with his little child.
The father´s job is to work and keep quiet.